Please Don’t Touch Me

It's Not You, It's My PTSD

Memories haunt, words remind, fears remain, but I will survive.

Lately, having people touch me has terrified me. At work is especially hard. People grab my arm or touch my shoulder, making me cringe and long to run.

PTSD is rearing its ugly head again. Should people grab a stranger? No. Am I being overly sensitive? A bit. Is it normal to react this way because of my anxiety? Certainly.

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How Do You Ignore the Past?

Silly Family

Just being sillly,

Honestly, how? Is there a secret way of moving on and living a normal life? Because I certainly have not found that method out yet.

Some people seem so flippant about their past. Others forgive and forget quickly.

I wish that could be me. Instead, I am stuck in a cycle of remembrance and frustration. Fear and depression join in as well.

So does anyone know? How do you ignore the past? Or at least, how do you move on with your life?

Drawing People In, Pushing Them Away

Mary Poppins walking away

People come and go quickly in my life.

Being in Orlando has taught me a strange fact: I draw people to myself.

Writing that means that I must admit it which is hard. Me, a people person? Me, someone who others like? Me, friendly?

Yet, it is true. Whether chatting with a stranger on the bus or the new person at work, I enjoy knowing people’s stories which they, in turn, enjoy telling. When numerous people are asking to hang out, I must admit that something I am doing (or maybe who I am????) is making friends. Strange how I have changed over the years.

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Fear of Seeing People

Lion sleeping

Sometimes I just want to be alone and not be found.

The past few days, I have kept pretty quiet in hopes of being left alone. A few friends were contacted, but I mostly just stayed silent at home. Fear of seeing people or them even knowing I was back in the state overwhelmed me.

Was there a certain person or group of people that made me nervous? I am not sure. However, my panic set in whenever I imagined anyone finding me.

Is this PTSD? Isolation from depression? Social anxiety from Aspergers? I am not sure.

What I do know is that there are times when I just must be alone. Maybe I do not even want to be alone but I must. It is a strange feeling and overpowering to say the least.

Tomorrow, I am returning to Florida. Most of me is excited. Yet that fear of being found still lingers. Will it haunt me even in the Sunshine State?

New Stages of Life, New Challenges to Face

drinking in Epcot

I am learning to live a more normal life despite new challenges. Here I am at the Rose and Crown in Epcot.

Down in Florida, I am doing more on my own than I ever dreamed that I would. Paying for rent, food, and other needs on my own is one challenge. So is working overtime every week, commuting nearly three hours a day, and still maintaining friendships.

Yet, I am managing. Life is very difficult at times, yes, but nothing that I cannot handle.

Or so I thought. Sometimes life feels like wack-a-mole or running after a toddler; the minute that you are finished with one thing, you have to chase after another one.

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Can You Be Honest about PTSD Triggers?

I did it for the first time in my life. I told someone outright that he was triggering me.

So many different emotions are running through my head. Guilt, relief, fear, regret, shame, even a bit of pride – all of it is there.

What do I do now? Was it the right or wrong choice? Will I ever know that?

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Is There One Cure-All for Mental Illness?

Sloth on tree

This sloth is sometimes how I feel when I am down.

Today I started a new one type of therapy. Although I am feeling optimistic, some apprehension has already taken root in me. The therapist stressed the fact that her treatment would help me heal from past trauma. With that vampire bat gone from hanging in the corner of my mind, I would heal from the rest of my mental illness – depression, eating disorder, and anxiety included.

Can that really happen? Does one type of therapy cure mental illness? For that matter, does one medication?

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Listaliciousness: Peter Pan Wisdom, Fixer Upper, and New Vocabulary

Me with Mickey Mouse at Disney

Me with Mickey Mouse at Disney

Today held an adventure at Animal Kingdom as well as Mass andĀ Once Upon a TimeĀ with my roommates. I am so very tired but happy. Tomorrow will be a very early start which makes me nervous. However, I am thrilled for my first day of training.

Anyway, here is my post with the top ten links. Enjoy!

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I Don’t Want to Think That is Creepy But…

“I have a friend who has a crush on you,” someone sang to me coyly, chuckling at my wide-eyed expression. The momentary excitement that rushed into my heart was replaced by a crippling anxiety when she named him. Instantly, guilt mixed with that fear. Why should I be so scared of someone who had not hurt me?

Little things creep me out quickly. The way a guy looks at me, accidentally touching my stomach or back, certain comments – all of it makes my mind race, face flush, body sweat, and heart thump as I long to run in the opposite direction. Such is the difficulty of having PTSD.

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Letter from a Support Person

My father and my sister Maria years ago

My father and my sister Maria years ago

I recently received a beautiful comment on this blog. An anonymous support person wrote a letter that was much more powerful than anything I could write trying to understand that point of view. Thus, I wanted to share this letter from a family member or friend of a person struggling with mental illness. Hopefully, it will touch you as much as it impacted me.

Plus, if you ever have something that you want to bring to my attention or think that I should share, let me know in a comment. I cannot promise to always blog it. However, know that I am open to hearing your voice and what you would like to see more of on this blog.

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