Who Am I?

Firstly, I am so sorry for not posting yesterday! The wedding, travel, and lots of work have gotten in the way. I will update you more on that later.

Lately, I have wondered who I am. Loving people is my first priority, yet that leaves me drained and depressed. How can you find a balance between self-care and selflessness?

How do you discover who you are and what you want? I do not really know where to start anymore. I just feel lost and sad. Maybe it is because I miss my family so much.

These questions keep bothering me. They even haunt my dreams.

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My Mother’s…Er, Roommate’s Decree

Kaitlyn and Katie at the pet store

Kaitlyn and Katie at the pet store

My lovely roommates have decided that I must go to bed at a reasonable time tonight after not getting more than 5 hours of sleep per night for a week. We reached a compromise of before midnight. Thus, this post is rather brief because there is much to still be done.

However, I must say that I love my roommates. Sure, not staying up will be stressful. However, I need the rest to get my schoolwork done well and perform to the best of my abilities at work. Plus, not taking my medication for a couple of weeks is starting to make my thoughts really hard to manage.

Anyway, a big thank you and much love to my lovely roommate Katie for taking on the role of my mother. Also thank you to her accomplice Kaitlyn. I love you both! Having you as my roommates has  been such a blessing.

Ten Reasons I See Myself As Better and Worse Than Others

Me at Goodwill

We have reasons why we are better/worse humans even if we do not realize them.

At my university’s chapel yesterday, the speaker gave an amazingly candid and thought-provoking exercise for us to do. “List the reasons why you think that you are a better person or Christian than others. Then list the reasons why you are worse.”

Even more shockingly, he went on to list some of his reasons. I similarly made lists in my notebook. Looking back at the items was a strong jolt of reality for me. Pride and superiority is a far bigger issue in my life than I ever realized. In fact, all of us seem to battle this more than we want to admit even if it is hidden in the guise of self-hate.

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What Advice Would You Give Your Younger Self?

How often do you look at a little girl and tell her that she is ugly? Do you regularly tell a toddler that he is useless? Normally, we do not tell children these types of hurtful statements that we tell ourselves.

Yet, all of us were children at some point. One of the coping skills that I learned in treatment was to hang a picture of myself as a baby or toddler near the mirror. Whenever I wanted to degrade myself, I was supposed to look at the child that I was, the child that I remained to a certain extent.

Looking back, there are many messages that I wish I could tell myself. With this knowledge, I would have escaped heartbreak, rejection, and physical pain. However, lessons that made me a stronger person might have been lost.

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Coping Skills: #75. Getting a Haircut

my headshot with short hair

2007 when I had short hair

Since childhood, I have hated having my hair cut. Just the thought of it causes me to shiver. A woman who lived with my family had hair longer than the bottom of her back. Watching her comb it every day (as well as my love of princesses) inspired a longing to have flowing hair.

However, I allowed myself to sit in one of the dreaded barber chairs this week for my annual trimming of an inch or two. Doing this is a difficult but important coping skill.

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Coping Skills: #72. Backing Out If Needed

But I'm Not Ready Yet

“The trouble with the future is that it usually arrives before we’re ready for it.” – Arnold H. Glasow

Wednesday evening, I looked forward to heading to a show with my friends. However, my anxiety rose as the moment approached. A huge paper still needed finishing, and I had worked nearly 35 hours in the past 6 days while finishing finals and helping to set up a party.

When my friend came to get me so I could try to follow her to the location, I broke down in tears. My weariness and need to finish school ended up holding me back from the play. She kindly understood that I needed to back out of my commitment despite my longing to join her.

My life has been full of yeses: working until 1:00 A.M., helping with commencement, caring for a friend, buying gifts for others, cleaning up spills. The list could continue on, but this post is not to rant. Instead, I want to focus on the coping skill of saying “No” even if you previously said “Yes.”

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Listaliciousness: Living Cathedrals, Comet Landing, and Guilty Cats

moriah peters brave

Hearing from Moriah Peters on Twitter was one of the highlights of my week.

Roller coaster rides have fewer dips and rises than my past week had. However, this week is another chance to face my anxieties. Life might not ever be easy, but it is worth the fight.

Many days this past week were spent oversleeping. Thus, I did not have as much time to get caught up on the news or interesting web links. However, here are a few interesting as well as funny items that I found. Enjoy!

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Worry About Yourself

Caring for others is an important part of being a support person. To love your family member or friend who is suffering, you need to practice empathy and kindness. Show that you care about the well-being of your loved one.

However, worry can sometimes set in and cause guilt, stress, or the desire to control. Try as hard as you might, you cannot heal your loved one. He or she must take the steps forward in order to get into a better spot in life.

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Taking a Moment of Silence

Life rushes by us so quickly. In our society, we seem to be pressured to move from one thing to the next without even time to take a breath. After all, that would just be wasting time.

Work, school, cleaning, social events, networking, family outings – the list of things to do never seems to end. All of this time, noise bombards us. Cars blare horns when you do not move soon enough, rock music rattles clothing in malls, and friends screech with laughter and silly jokes. Sometimes, silence seems impossible to find.

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The Merry-Go-Round in My Head Begins Again

British driving sign that say "Kill your speed"

This British driving sign states what I want to do right now.

Three Fridays ago, my brain whirled with pain as it spun in a mad circle while knives jabbed into it. For several days, I have felt much better if still a bit woozy and weak. Today, however, the agony returned.

Wednesday, just make it until Wednesday. That continues to replay in my mind. Then, I will be at the doctor again to have my labs drawn. Hopefully the results will be better, but I doubt that highly. Flashbacks to my freshmen year of college streak through my head. My eating disorder’s siren voices lures me into the ocean where I am sure to sink and drown if I continue to follow.

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