Yesterday, I tried on a bridesmaid dress for my roommate’s wedding. The radiant blue, flowing skirt, and classy style of the dress were wonderful. However, the size on the tag was much bigger than I had worn in a long time.
Right away, I began to panic and asked if the dresses were based on our measurements. Thankfully, my roommate said that the sizes ran different than normal dress sizes. Hearing this was such a relief.
Still, my first reaction made me curious and a bit embarrassed. Why is it that clothing sizes matter so much?
Earlier today, I was prepared to start this post confident and skip the apology. However, my depression has kicked in majorly this evening which makes that more difficult. So I will say that I am more disappointed in myself that at 1:00 AM this morning but still am granting myself grace.
Yesterday, no post was written for this blog.
I really intended to post one. Honestly, this is something that I will never forget. After a long day working four shifts, leading a university student event, attending several classes, going to play rehearsal, and engaging with others, my brain was shot. When a friend and I decided to study together, we ended up talking until past 1:00 AM. Let’s just say that I lost track of time and had no idea that the day had flown by without my blogging.
This band deals with the topic great suffering and shows hope for a bright future.
42. Selected Tenth Avenue North Songs
My mother and I sometimes exchange uplifting songs. Hearing the inspiring music helps, but being sent a video that tells a similar story is even better. One of my favorite songs that she sent me was “You are More” by Tenth Avenue North. Plus, a good friend Jess loved to write quotes and lyrics. Since this was one of her favorite songs, it always reminds me of her. Because of the depth of “You are More” and how it speaks about pain, I decided to find more songs from Tenth Avenue North for Media Monday. They are a Christian group, but their lyrics will touch people from all faiths and beliefs.
“You are More” from their The Light Meets the Darkalbum
“Worn” from their The Struggle album
“Let It Go” from their Over and Underneath album
“Healing Begins” from their The Light Meets the Dark album
I feel so abandoned right now. Despite the numerous people around me and friends who affirm me, my spirit still sinks as if an anchor was dragging downward. The lonely hole inside that has been present since childhood remains despite my attempts to fill it in with others.
One person. Sometimes that is all it can take to make you feel like a wonderful person worthy of life or a stupid toy masquerading as something special.
This video is how I feel sometimes and what I wish that I could to say to people.
You don’t go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be. Nigella Lawson
Today the speaker at my university spoke to the women on campus about how we fear expressing inner pain. Normally, women sessions focus on modesty, so hearing another topic was so refreshing. Plus this issue is one that I struggle with ever day.
Pain is a huge part of everyone’s life. Being human means that you will experience physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional hurt. Some of these troubles are easier to talk about than others. For example, people generally can open up about a broken leg or bruised elbow. However, having vivid flashbacks after abuse or feeling worthless after a break-up are hard to be honest about usually.
Well, tonight is the night. In two hours, I will be onstage playing a young girl and peasant. After leaving the theater for almost three years, I am back at last. And rarely have I felt so excited and eager.
Being in this show at the end of my first full semester back at school is like a shiny star atop of Christmas tree. Before starting this semester, my family and care team did not know how I would do being back in college. Although struggles with eating and other urges continue, hope has filled my life in a way that I never experienced before this fall. Friends, activities, and confidence are actually in each day. Even last spring, I could not have imagined this life.
In a therapy group that I attended on perfectionism, the therapist said an interesting thing. “The opposite of perfectionism is not failure but excellence.”
According to her, perfectionism actually holds you back from performing at your best. Now, you might not agree with this exact quote but I hope that you can see where trying to be perfect leads to misery and failure. When I stress over something for hours, it takes longer and drains me of joy.
We are prepared for insults, but compliments leave us baffled. – Mason Cooley
Often I assume that people think the worst about me. Instead of seeing me as a person, others snicker or gasp in disgust at me and my problems. Not only does this scare me away from making friends, it also causes me to doubt current relationships.
Does this ever happen for you? My head tells me so many different critiques. Boys sneer at me as ugly and fat while girls fear being associated with me. No one thinks that I deserve to eat. My boss wants to fire me and all my teachers view me as a stupid kid who talks to much. To put it briefly, I fear that everyone hates me but is too kind to say anything.