Without even looking down, I tugged. The denim refused to budge. Surprised, I turned my attention to the jeans from my sister. As much as I hate pants, these ones were acceptable to wear on the odd day when I felt so inclined.
The jeans, on the other hand, did not feel so inclined to me. After another tug, I realized that there was no way the buttons could close over my hips. The jeans that had fit the last time I tugged them on now were too small.
I hate recovery. That was my first thought. Hate it so much. Almost as much as I hate myself.
Meanings Writing utensils – major and education/school Cat – stuffed animals and cats Mask – theater Pompom person – treatment Roses – name and love of flowers Books – literature Jade dog – longing to travel especially to China Glass slipper – Cinderella Crown – love of princesses Earrings – my love of those too Trophy – public speaking Cross – faith Movies – Lord of the Rings Shell – river by house and nature
A few years ago, as I battled majorly with restricting food, I came to the realization that I did not know myself.
Sure, words came to my head when someone asked about me. I was a girl, homeschooled until college, going to school to be a teacher, Catholic, etc. The facts of one’s life are simple to recite. However, they do not fully explain who you are. These are just a starting place that give a foundation for yourself.
When someone wanted to know more about who I truly was, I turned to the opinions of others. Anna Rose is awkward, sweet, naive, childish, quiet, obnoxious, and so on. I would never watch that movie or say that word. My willingness to work with children meant that I should be a teacher because that is what I wanted. Since I laughed at taunts, teasing did not hurt my feelings.
Eating disorders often dictate how you must look. Many girls I met draped themselves in flowing material in hopes that no one would see their body. I, on the other hand, feared roomy clothing. Instead, my outfits emphasized my figure. Although different, both of these tactics served the eating disorder instead of the person.
For some men and women, dressing up fancily is a chore or trigger. However, it can also be used for recovery. Allowing yourself to feel beautiful is wonderful. Although difficult to master at first, this coping skill brings confidence, encouragement, and hope for a future without body image problems.