Do you ever feel overwhelmingly full of nothing? The emptiness inside threatens to burst out of your skin and squeeze the life out of you just as it is doing silently inside. It balloons out of your mind and into your heart, lungs, toes, arms, every inch of you.
This emptiness makes breathing feel like you are trying to swallow concrete and walking as difficult as raising a marble pillar from the ground with each step. I want to sleep all day with utter emptiness in my smile, intellect, and movements. However, night brings terrors of that same lonely gap inside of myself.
I am discontent with my life. Today, that realization dawned upon me. So many times, my mind turns to what is wrong with myself and the situations that I am in instead of being content with the journey of each day.
Being discontent takes root in many ways and can change with each moment. I am anxious with people but lonely alone, nervous with romantic feelings but unloved single, stressed busy but bored without plans, etc. The list of my fickle discontent goes on much longer than I care to admit.
All of me has been screaming out today or really the past few months. My mind, my feeling, my very blood coursing through my body is screeching with pain. I do not know where to turn or who to go to as the thoughts grow louder and more desperate.
When I hear of people who cannot take it anymore and do something dirastic, I understand. Life can feel so unbearable. A box of hot iron box closing in slowly as it burns you alive, an avalanche of snow burying you frozen in place with lessening oxygen, a whip that cracks down open your back until you are raw and exposed with no ability to stand on your own – that is life now.
Yet, even looking at those metaphors seems lame. When I try to speak, my words embarrass me. Whines and petty annoyances, that is all I seem to articulate. People judge that and me which turns off even more of my lights of hope that I desperately tried to switch on. Flip, flip, flip. Each day, a few more lights are switched off.
Saying “I told you so” or gloating is not very kind. However, part of me feels like doing that in a non-malicious way. Just as I suspected, Into the Woods (which I just saw) was good but nowhere near as amazing as the stage production. There are some scripts that work better onstage than on film. That is simply how it is.
That being stated, I enjoyed seeing a movie again today. Yesterday, a bit of time was free which allowed me to go to a different show as you will see in my links. Read on to learn more about where I went and see the other things that interested me.
We so often hear bad news. Children are dying, corruption is rampant in politics, natural disasters wipes out homes, and anger drives families away from each other. These stories seem to be all there is in newspapers, television stations, and online today.
However, studying journalism has helped me to realize that many people involved in the news industry desire to raise awareness to difficult issues and prevent society from becoming apathetic. This driving force is admirable although it can be taken too far. We also need to the good news that surrounds us every day.
Holidays are a festive time of year. Decorations deck halls, choirs sing merrily, gifts pile up under trees, and store clerks beam as people bustle about the store. Christmas pretty much equals joy, right?
Well, that is what we are pressured to think. However, for many people especially those with depression, this time of year can be very saddening and frightening. Christmas lights blink overwhelmingly, choirs are filled with people who might judge, gifts lack love, and store clerks are probably wanting to strangle customers while faking a smile.
How can we find peace and joy during this season without faking?
Here is a poem that I wrote one day. It is not polished but came straight from my heart. Hopefully it will touch you and move you to think. The themes are a bit morbid, I know. However, that is not always a bad thing. There is great suffering in our world, and we should admit that. Then we can strive to bring about healing.
Sometimes I feel like this little chinchilla – in need of friendship.
“I love you, Anna Rose.”
Someone said that to me today, and memories flooded back to me. For years, people in theater or other places said this. Although the words were kind, something about that phrase always troubled me. Finally I realized. No one said that to other people. It was a way of stating, “You are different and strange. We are not sure what to do about you, but that is not exactly a bad thing.”
Love was something that set me apart from my peers. Everyone else went to haunted houses, but I was too sensitive to be invited. Others joked crudely with others before biting their tongues when I entered the room. Even some of my dearest friends still treat me differently.
Although potentially triggering, this book is a powerful depiction of an eating disorder and how it devastates lives.
62. Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson
Few books have impacted me quite as much as Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson. From the first sentence to the ending, the novel related to my eating disorder and life so much. At parts, I could not tell if I was more triggered or inspired. That was how powerful and realistic it was. Because of that, I debated blogging about it for several months. Would it be more helpful or hindering? That was the main worry that I had. However, my decision was to highlight it on Media Monday while cautioning that some might be triggered by it. On the whole, however, this is another amazing book by Laurie Halse Anderson.
Synopsis: Lia is shocked to learn that her ex-best friend Cassie has just died. Both high schoolers, the girls recently cut off communication with each other after helping to fuel each other’s eating disorders. This news haunts Lia, who is secretly still deep in anorexia. At times, the ghost of Cassie almost seems to be following the living girl, convincing her that life is not worthwhile. Thus, Lia decides to find out the truth about the puzzling death of her friend despite the pain it will cause.