Dragging Myself to a Party

Do you ever have to go to a party? I mean, most people seem to love these events. Dancing, loud beats, giggling with friends, and eating appetizers – all of these sounds appealing.

Unless of course, you do not like partying. Then the lights hurt your eyes, the beats vibrate through  your body uncomfortably, and the groups of people seem impossible to break into and join. That is how I usually view parties.

However, tonight is the big theater party. Everyone is so thrilled. I, on the other hand, want to stay in bed and read or something of that sort. Being with everyone sounds like such a chore. Well, I can bring my book and find a place to hide, right?

Anyway, I will try to make it through this party. Just one evening, right?

Body Image is the Last to Go

There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. ― Steve Maraboli

There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. ― Steve Maraboli

Two weeks into Lent, I am having nearly 100 percent of my meal plan every day. Giving up restriction has been simpler than I thought. At the same time, it has been miserably hard. Sometimes, I just want to scream and go back to starving myself.

One of the hardest elements is the constant nagging voice in the back of my head. “You are so fat,” it hisses. Anytime that I sit down, see myself in the mirror, look at my body, or feel my clothing on my skin, I feel nauseous. How can I live in this body for the rest of my life?

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Giving Up the Hardest Thing for Lent

St. Mary Magdalen

The Anglo-Catholic Church St. Mary Magdalen

Ah, Lent. The time of the Church year when an anorexic has a great excuse not to eat.

Part of me wishes I could go back to that way of thinking. However, fasting from food was not a prayer for me. This action brought me no spiritual depth, peace, or grace. Instead, I ended up weary physically, haggard emotionally, and disenchanted spiritually. Only the shell of me remained, or so it seemed. Slowly, my recovery brought me back my voice, passion, and hope.

However, now I need to think of something new to give up for Lent. For those who do not know, today was Ash Wednesday. Millions of people are not having (or at least trying not to have) sweets, pop, chocolate, chips, you-choose-the-yummy-food for the next 40 days.

I am not one of those people.

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Fat Talk Scarily Becomes Easier

Looking in the MirrorThrough my teenage years, I never engaged in fat talk. After all, why draw more attention to my disgusting body? When other girls complained about their appearance, I cringed inside because I knew that they were healthy while I was obese.

However, anorexia and losing weight has made talking negatively about my body easier. Scarily, each day this talk becomes even more simple. Now, I can spout out the very language I hated other people saying. Worse yet, there are sometimes people who weigh more than me in the room. I am, in fact, becoming the very person that hurt me growing up without ever intending to be cruel.

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