It’s Not a Big Deal…Or Is It?

It's Not You, It's My PTSD

Memories haunt, words remind, fears remain, but I will survive.

When people warned me that he wasn’t a good friend, I just smiled sheepishly and shrugged. Sure, he was not perfect. Yet, a quirky, introverted, socially-anxious preteen girl took the friends she could get. So, I told myself repeatedly, “It’s not a big deal.”

It’s not a big deal if he tells me to shut up. I do talk too much.

It’s not a big deal if he belittles my dreams. They won’t come true anyway.

It’s not a big deal if he slaps my face. It was a gentle hit to keep me from being too weird.

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Everyone Struggles Even Bullies

Last night, my co-worker and I were discussing how her ten-year-old son is being bullied at school. Hearing about such young children with great sensitivity being treated unkindly brings back horrible memories. I am thankful to my parents for homeschooling me because my experience with teasing could have been much worse. Still, the cruel way that some kids treat others breaks my heart.

One of the hardest parts is that many of those bullies are suffering too. Few kids are mean naturally, in my experience. Some are hurt by their parents while others have been teased themselves and are trying to protect themselves. One child might have a behavioral disorder and another is struggling to understand with a sibling died. Whatever the case, bullying others is still wrong. Yet, realizing the pain of even the unkindest of people is important.  This video really touched me and validated my views.

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Everybody Hates Me, Everybody Loves Me…

Today I walked to and from the place we are staying by myself either very early in the morning or later in the evening. Both times I was alright but anxious and did not feel quite safe all alone. However I was too scared to talk to anyone.

Today I walked to and from the place we are staying by myself either very early in the morning or later in the evening. Both times I was alright but anxious and did not feel quite safe all alone. However I was too scared to talk to anyone.

Do you ever feel like you are on a roller coaster when it comes to relationships? At one moment, others seem to enjoy your presence, and you begin to trust yourself with others. Perhaps people could genuinely like your company and think you are fun.

Then the world seems to shatter as someone sneers at you, ignores you repeatedly, and grins knowingly at a friend while turning their back to you. Suddenly you think about all of your worst qualities. Of course thinking others could enjoy you was stupid. They would never accept your ungraceful remarks, know-it-all demeanor combined with obvious ignorance, and disgusting looks. If you were in their shoes, you would hate yourself as well.

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The Asperigian Struggle of Attaching and Disattaching From Others

Who Will Love Me

The biggest disease this day and age is that of people feeling unloved. – Princess Diana

It is hard to get into or out of relationship. Most people seem to struggle with this. Change sneaks up and surprises us in wonderful or heart-wrenching ways. Switches in interactions friendships, family members, or romantic relationships can be some of the most difficult but healthy changes we have in life.

People with aspergers have even more difficulty with change than most people. Trouble with social skills and rigidity in thinking led to confusion and great discomfort when others change their behavior or want to have a new type of relationship. After allowing someone into your world and trusting them, you trust that it will stay that way. The harsh truth is that others will change bringing difficulty and the need to adapt.

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My First Speech Tournament

Today, I am going to my first speech tournament for college speech team.  However my anxiety and PTSD are going crazy trying to keep me from leaving.  What if I look stupid in front of everyone?

Although I have spoken in Toastmasters, being in front of peers is a whole different story.  Memories of being mocked and teased are echoing through my head.  Perhaps doing this was a bad idea.

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Please Don’t Laugh

Please Don't Laugh

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Growing up, I feared many things: balloons popping, men, phones, balls, etc.  One “normal” experience that caused many tears was being laughed at.  When adults chortled over a cute thing I had said or my sisters snickered at a mistake I made, I cringed inside and often burst into tears.  This sound of joy became a dreaded signal of my oddity.

Rarely did I make any jokes but the haunting laughter continued to follow me.  As the years went by, I became even more paranoid.  Now I did not guess that others were laughing at me instead of with me; I knew.  This realization was difficult and painful.  However, hiding it ate away at me inside.  Was I really so weird that others made fun of me to my face?  Why would people I love and respect turn on me like this?  Would I ever fit in? Continue reading