I am not even sure how to start this exactly. The wait between these posts (both for you reading and me writing) has been far too long.
Life has been a bit hectic and full of changes lately. Since my last post in June (forever ago, I know), I have been offered a new job which I will be leaving the country for in a few months. After years of dreaming and doubting myself, I am going to be teaching English in China. Better yet, the Disney company will still be my employer.
The joy of taking this new step in life comes hand-in-hand with the fear of change. Am I really moving to a country across the world that I have never been to before? How will I learn Mandarin that quickly? How will I survive without my family and friends? How will I ever be confident enough to teach?
I made this Mac dish. It takes money to buy ingredients to make food, but that is a vital part of recovery
I hate buying groceries. Fine, let’s be honest. I hate spending money for the most part. Buying gifts for others or fun things for myself or even eating out with friends does not bother me. However, paying for most things and using the money that I have worked hard to earn terrifies me.
My first year at college, some of these same fears filled me. Growing up, I never received an allowance. Instead, my parents made my sisters and me earn money to use for gifts, fun things for ourselves, and sometimes clothing. This instilled a respect for hard working and earning your way through life. Yet it also partly added to my fear and insecurity regarding finances.
Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change. – Thomas Hardy
“I’m sorry, but you have to put on your shoes here, sweetie.”
The request from the woman at my school was simple enough. However, the fact that she touched me on the shoulder unexpectedly while I was speaking to a friend and standing so near while looking straight into my eyes upset me. Silly, I know. Yet, my automatic response was panic. Instead of staying like a rational adult and just putting on my shoes, I stormed away in search of a safe place to hide in shame.
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas Edison
When I look back on my day, failures are the main things that I notice. My own failures in particular haunt me. Lately, reminiscing on these problems has been especially time-consuming. In fact, I can list them in my brain from just today:
The lowest grade ever on an exam (28 out of 40)
Eating two chocolates in addition to a (smaller) dessert
Not being able to figure out roommate arrangements at Disney
Looking gross in the mirror
Almost being late getting my costume on for Narnia
This list continues on and on, but dwelling on it only depresses me more. Instead, I need to remember that my failures do not make me the failure. Sure, I am not perfect, but no one else is either.
How often do you look at a little girl and tell her that she is ugly? Do you regularly tell a toddler that he is useless? Normally, we do not tell children these types of hurtful statements that we tell ourselves.
Yet, all of us were children at some point. One of the coping skills that I learned in treatment was to hang a picture of myself as a baby or toddler near the mirror. Whenever I wanted to degrade myself, I was supposed to look at the child that I was, the child that I remained to a certain extent.
Looking back, there are many messages that I wish I could tell myself. With this knowledge, I would have escaped heartbreak, rejection, and physical pain. However, lessons that made me a stronger person might have been lost.
I saw this post on my Facebook page just now. I felt like it was speaking to me since I have felt lost for way too long. I decided to post it here and see if my brain still works. I am going to time myself for five minutes and see what comes out in words.I have no idea of what I will type in this blank, white space. Will it make any sense? Will it prove to me that I have lost something in my writing also? Okay, here goes.
A foolish person I have become at my age still waiting for that second chance at life. Grabbing hold of bubbles filled with sparks of new ideas. Love, is tagged in one beautiful bubble but my fingers can’t quite touch it.
Must I give up hope? After all the years I have lived, the experiences I have acquired, I…
Loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world. It brings hopelessness, misery, depression, and lack of motivation.
Lately, this sense of being lost without anyone has been difficult. From everything that I have read, this is typical of Aspergers. Just because I know about part of the cause of my loneliness does not make it any easier.
Since being single has been a huge part of my current sense of sorrow, I decided to look at the wonderful parts of not being in a romantic relationship. Please add any others that you think of in the comments.
Customer service (like that at Cahoots Cafe) is hard but can be so rewarding.
Making customers smile at work to day by offering to help them unexpectedly reminded me why I love my job. Sure, there are many struggles. However, even a waitress can help make the world a better place by impacting others one by one.
Now that I am done with finals, work is picking up a bit. However, there is still time for my weekly links. Some are a bit funny while others focus on Christmas which is just around the corner! Hopefully, you enjoy them.
“The trouble with the future is that it usually arrives before we’re ready for it.” – Arnold H. Glasow
Wednesday evening, I looked forward to heading to a show with my friends. However, my anxiety rose as the moment approached. A huge paper still needed finishing, and I had worked nearly 35 hours in the past 6 days while finishing finals and helping to set up a party.
When my friend came to get me so I could try to follow her to the location, I broke down in tears. My weariness and need to finish school ended up holding me back from the play. She kindly understood that I needed to back out of my commitment despite my longing to join her.
My life has been full of yeses: working until 1:00 A.M., helping with commencement, caring for a friend, buying gifts for others, cleaning up spills. The list could continue on, but this post is not to rant. Instead, I want to focus on the coping skill of saying “No” even if you previously said “Yes.”