A little while ago, I discussed not know who I really was. This video came at a great timing and reminded me of that dilemma.
Many people claim that you grow up to be like your parents. This might excite or terrify you. However you feel, just observing other families can show that genes are passed down and shown in different parts of a child’s personality.
If you had parents that you admired, perhaps you always wanted to be like them and looked forward to being in a similar place of life. That can bring great joy for the future.
One of the positive traits that I can say about myself is that I am strong. Sometimes this comes out in a negative way like when I use that to hurt myself. Other times, it shows through my willingness to keep trying despite the pain.
Most people do not think strong when they first see me. Sweet, nice, naive, girly – sure. But strong? I probably look like a bit of a wimp.
However, everyone has their own type of strength. Finding that is vital to recovery. This video with Maya Angelou is a wonderful example of having deep strength.
Many people who have struggled with health know the roller coaster ride of finding the right medication. Sleepiness, not knowing what dose is right for you, weight gain, decreased attention span, having to wait several weeks to see if your new prescription works – these are just a few of the challenges faced when trying a new medication or altering an old one. Sometimes, it does not even seem worth the effort, but finding the right one can be life-saving.
Last night, I forgot to take my evening medication. At 1:30 AM, my brain was still racing which altered me to the fact that something was wrong. Seroquel, one of my pills, makes you extremely sleepy and helps me to make it through the night restfully along with calming my intrusive thoughts. Taking it late was not a big issue – until this morning. At 8:30, I awakened with my head throbbing as if someone had hit me with a sledgehammer. Maybe this is what it feels like to be hungover, thought my naive brain once it adjusted to the pain. All morning was a struggle to simply function. Walking, talking, and typing seemed like laborious tasks.
The reason that I bring this up is because it reminded me of adjusting to new medication. That process can be simple or painful and aggravating. Often, I wish that someone would have given coping skills and helpful tips to me. Sure, doctors explain all of the potential side effects or dangers. However, that is not the same as someone sitting down and comforting you through the uncomfortable journey.
Today, my mother and I went to the baby shower of my best friend through high school. Since then, we have remained close at heart but taken very different paths. She did two years of mission work, finished college two Mays ago, married last November, and is now pregnant with a little girl. That is miles away from anything that I have experienced.
Going to Oxford proved to myself that I could accomplish great things. Now, I am more confident about my future. Although nothing is easy, the strength to go far and be a bright light is inside of me.
Balancing what I am, what I am not, and what I could be one day is difficult. Sometimes I wish that I was different and had a life more like my friend. Thus, this post is mostly a coping skill for me to practice learning to accept where I am and press forward with hope.