One of the most terrifying words for someone struggling with anorexia or any type of eating disorder is restoration. Many people have positive connotations with this term. After all, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as “the act of restoring or the condition of being restored” as well as “a restoring to an unimpaired or improved condition.” Paintings and buildings are restored to their former glory, we restore relationships that were broken, and the rightful king can be restored to his throne. Those all bring healing and renewed beauty.
However, in eating disorder treatment, “restoration” means the need to gain weight or (even more frightening) pounds put on from increased food intake. Right now, I hate the word. Slowly, the percentage of my meal plan consumed has risen in the past year. Because of that, I have gained more weight. My stomach, legs, arms, and entire body are screaming in protest while my eyes and tongue beg for food. This battle has increased significantly in the past week. On Wednesday, my dietitian finally admitted that I had indeed reached restoration. Despite her reassurance that I was not overweight, my eating disorder began to scream louder than it has for many months. I am teetering on the edge of a relapse but trying desperately to stay strong in recovery. Everything seems to be falling apart around me.
Yet, some lights have shined through the darkness. For example, people have affirmed me, and many friends have stood loyally by my side. Despite my self-hatred, classmates have pointed out the beauty I cannot see in myself. Right now, in a time when I cannot trust my own eyes, I need to listen to them to know what I truly look like. This amazing video really impacted me and reminded me that my thoughts can be disordered and warped.