For the first time today, I realized one of the reasons I struggle talking with God: He is so abstract.
“Just get to know Him,” my friends at school said.
Sure, but how do you get to know someone? By talking to that person and asking questions. However, I have a hard time asking questions when I am not sure of a response. Am I making up a response in my head? I did that for years. Now, talking to God terrifies me because I do not know if it is me or Him answering.
“Your weight is only part of your overall health,” my doctor comforted yesterday morning when I told her that my dietitian worried about my weight gain. “It is not much at all. Plus, your vital signs and overall health have never been so good. This can be difficult, but please try not to dwell only on the number.”
Hearing my doctor say this did not erase my hatred of my body. However, her response was helpful after feeling extremely fat and ugly. Perhaps my body is more healthy at this weight even if I feel huge. After all, my goal range with my dietitian was on the low end of the BMI range for my height. That is not the point, however. What I discovered yesterday was the importance of getting a second opinion.
“You did gain weight since I last weighed you.” My dietitian finally admitted this morning. “What has been happening differently?”
I wanted to scream. For the past months, she has listened to me moan about my fear of gaining weight and heard me say that I have put on more than my goal amount. However, she never believed me.
“That is just your eating disorder talking,” was her typical response. However, I am not stupid. My clothing feels different, my body looks different, and people talk about my appearance differently. Sure, I am paranoid about my weight, but something is certainly happening. Now she acts surprised when I have been trying to tell her this every meeting.
Twila Paris combines hope with hurting in her sweet songs.
51. Selected Twila Paris Songs
Growing up, I mostly listened to classical music and Christian singers. Twila Paris was always one of my favorites. Her clear, sweet voice and uplifting lyrics inspired me greatly. When I thought about what female singer or group to highlight today, she stood out. Hopefully, you will also enjoy her style and hopeful messages as you move forward in recovery.
“How Beautiful” from her Piano Classics album
“God is in Control” from her Kingdom Seekers album
“The Warrior is a Child” from her The Warrior is a Child album
“Faithful Friend” from her Where I Stand album
“Every Heart That is Breaking” from her Every Heart That is Breaking album
This film captures the joys and fears of childhood while addressing hard issues of death and searching for hope.
49. Finding Neverland
This movie about the author of Peter Pan both inspired and saddened me. The themes of death, imagination, and hope caused me to choose it for Media Monday.
Synopsis: J. M. Barrie wants to write beautiful plays and stories, but no one seems to enjoy his work. Even his wife is pulling away from him. Then the author meets three young boys and their widowed mother, Sylvia Llewelyn Davies. Despite rumors that crop up, a friendship begins that inspires and brings joy to the imaginative author. Through these new relationships, Barrie begins to pen a new story about a boy who never grew up.
Throughout treatment, people have told me to differentiate between my healthy voice and ED or the eating disorder’s voice. Separating the two helps you grow in strength and confidence. Yes, my thoughts may be screaming not to eat all day, but my body and true self really want to care for myself.
However, there are times when the voices in your head and urges to use unhealthy behaviors are just too loud. That is the point I was at for the past few days. In times like this, knowing how to act and finding the energy to do it seems impossible. Just breathing and staying alive is all you can manage.
Ten Things Not to Say to Someone with Generalize Anxiety Disorder
Anxiety – it sounds like such a harmless thing. After all, everyone has this emotion. It keeps us safe by warning us of dangerous situations, gives us energy to complete a difficult task, and reminds us why we should not do risky things. Without anxiety, people would be carefree but injured more often and worse at analyzing situations.
Yet, people who have generalized anxiety disorder (or any other type of anxiety) are crippled by thoughts, worries, and sometimes behaviors. Instead of keeping them safe, anxiety makes their lives miserable. Generalized anxiety disorder might sound easy compared to other mental illnesses or even other types of anxiety. For years, I wanted a different anxiety disorder because this one was just so stupid. I should be able to recover from something so simple, right? However, constantly living in the state of fear and being hyper-vigilant drains you quickly.
Sometimes the person that we see is different than we first perceive.
One couple stayed at the restaurant last night until closing. While helping them clear off their dishes, I glanced at the man who stared back at me with wide eyes. “Why are you here?” He demanded bluntly but with a trace of a smile.
“Um, to help you?” Smiling nervously, I darted from the table with plates. What had made him question my presence? Did it seem like I was rushing them away or being rude?
A few minutes later, I returned to clean up nearby their table. “What the h— are you still doing here?” He called while his wife shushed him a bit. Normally, I would have scurried away, but something about the kind gleam in his eyes made me stand my ground. So instead, we began to talk about where I lived and my school. Anxious thoughts warned me that these subjects were a bit too personal and sensitive. However, I decided to be polite and hope that he was simply overly friendly.
The biggest disease this day and age is that of people feeling unloved. – Princess Diana
To all my followers and readers,
Happy Valentine’s Day! I have made homemade cards for all of my friends. However, there is not a way for me to easily give one to all of you. If I could, I would send each of you a huge pink heart with little red and purple spots. Sounds corny, I know, but it would represent my thanks to you.
Rejection is probably my greatest fear. No matter how close I am to someone, I fear that they will desert me. Perhaps those dearest to me, such as family and friends, cause me even greater anxiety than strangers. If I lose them, who will stand by me and hold me through the tough times?
Now this fear creeps into my mind at many times. Laughing with classmates, smiling at someone who cares about me, emailing my mother, driving away from play practice – thoughts bombard me at any moment causing doubt about the sincerity of others.