Cleaning Out Boxes of the Past

A lake near a mountain

A lake near the mountains

After arriving back in the USA a few days ago, I’ve been busy cleaning out all of my old boxes. Although I just moved back from China, my goal is to move abroad again for my Master’s Degree soon. Thus, all of the clutter in my old room and closet needed to leave.

As I pulled out old boxes and rummaged through dusty drawers, glimpses of the past kept appearing.

My fingers were stained pink and blue from oil pastel paintings made in residential treatment for my eating disorder. Babies surrounded by darkness, blood-red monsters devouring me, trees half blossoming and half diseased – images of despair and hope mixed with every color.

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I Am Finished with College!!

Today, I sent in my last work to finish up my college career. All that needs to happen now is walking across stage tomorrow. After all of the tears and anxieties, the days when I wanted to die and times when I never thought the work would be done, I am finally finishing. The feeling is so surreal.

Of course, the Disney College Program does involve classes, and I plan to get my doctrate. However, this is still a huge step forward in my life and a great accomplishment. Persevering through this last year has been especially difficult. There were so many days when I considered dropping out or giving up instead of getting my work done. Thankfully, I continued.

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Listaliciousness: Hero Cat, Me Dancing, and a New Belle

Just when you feel ready to break, people can surprise you with love. The last few days have been much better than the rest of my week. Thank you to my wonderful coworkers (Haley, Celeste, Ada, Jeremy, Abby, Jennifer, Tyler, and everyone else – I am talking to you) and my awesome mother for helping to make this change.

So, enjoy  this list. Thank you all for making this a good ending to the week. Your responses, reading, and likes encourage me daily
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Starting Off My Last Semester with Evil, Playwriting, and Sentence Structure

Sitting on the plane

I am certainly not in a plane like the nice ones that I rode to Oxford.

This semester is starting off like an airplane that is catapulted into the sky instead of starting from the ground slowly. I feel both invigorated and exhausted. Part of me worries about the future if I continue on in this fashion. However, the thrill of being busy and learning so much is almost addictive. Because of that, I wanted to share what my Monday, Wednesday, and Friday schedule will be. Although it is only the first day of school, the feeling that these classes will be impacting my blog keeps tickling my brain.

First, my day starts at 9:10 when I have Systematic Theology which covers why we believe what we do as well as forcing us to do theology. The idea of actually figuring out and studying what I hold as true is frightening and also exciting.

After this, my university has mandatory chapel. This might involve singing, a speaker, and/or community prayer. In one sense, it is relaxing. Yet, part of me becomes antsy as I long to do something and worry about my daily tasks and homework.

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One Thousand Thanks: 866 – 876. Favorite School Classes

The Bodleian Library

The Bodleian Library where I spent hours studying in Oxford

Today, my adviser helped me to pick my schedule for the spring. Just thinking about my last semester at the university is frightening. Where will my life go from here? How will I adjust to the “real world”? What about all of the courses that I longed to take but will never be able to anymore?

Part of me feels like leaving this school will be breaking off a part of myself. Instead of dwelling on this fear and sorrow, I am trying to remember that I still have more than a full semester left. Right now, there is still left to enjoy my school experience. Here are some of the classes that I am most thankful for taking over the course of my college years.

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Back to School I go

Back to School I Go

A picture of me at 18 right before I started college in 2010

Well, today I am going back to college full-time for the first time in two years.  Part of me is thrilled.  I have always loved learning and growing in knowledge of the world around me.  However anxiety has also been plaguing me lately.  What if I fail?  There are so many things that could go wrong.  I stand in the middle of a huge mountain.  If I labor forward up the treacherous cliff against the chilling wind, I will finally victoriously reach the peak.  However, if my foot slips even slightly, I will slip and fall down to my demise.

When I first went to school in Fall 2010, I was confident and excited.  As I walked past the president of my school, I gleefully proclaimed that I wanted to take every class at the school.  My plan was to major in Early Childhood Education as soon as possible and get a job teaching children.    Everything was going to be wonderful.   About a year ago, I had been weaned off of depression medication and a few months before I had been diagnosed with Aspergers.  With new self-awareness, I thought that I would be able to fit in with the other students and have a wonderful 3 1/2 years.

However, life often twists in ways we do not expect.  The simple choice of saving money by not purchasing a meal plan turned out to be my downfall.  Although I commuted from home, I began to slowly but steadily restrict food.  As I failed to make friends, my already fragile confidence shattered.  Only by becoming skinny and beautiful I could be loved.  Already one of my core beliefs, this lie grew stronger until it consumed most of my thoughts and actions.

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