I’m Not an Idiot: a Daily Reminder

Drinking coffee while the snow falls

Taking some time to slow down and relax while the snow falls

Whether struggling to put a seat belt on or not understanding a cash register at work, I face numerous situations that leave me feeling defeated and ashamed. I hate looking stupid or incompetent. When others are around and (potentially) judging me, giving myself the grace to make an error becomes even more challenging.

“I’m not an idiot.” I repeat that phrase to myself daily. Is it because I truly believe it, or is it what I want to think?

Sometimes the mistakes I make can be attributed to my ditsy side. Other times, my desire for perfection and fear of making someone upset makes me so anxious that I struggle to focus. Interestingly, my struggles can also be traced back to sensory overload. When someone else is talking in the same room, I struggle to hear anyone speaking to me. If an item isn’t exactly where it should be, I can search fruitlessly as all the other objects around me start to overwhelm my brain. Or if I try to do a task in a new order, I often stumble over my words or forget an essential component of the task.

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Erasing Bitterness

Mountains

Mountains in the distance

If I could erase one emotion completely from my life, I would eliminate bitterness.

Anger frightens me. When someone annoys me, I bite my tongue and inwardly scream until I have no voice. If a person hurts me, I fake a smile and brush off a few tears as a cauldron of fury bubbles inside.

But I struggle to confront or actually deal with the anger. Complain to others? Perhaps. Face my own anger? Never.

That is when the bitterness begins to grow.

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Losing Sight of Yourself

"There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self." - Benjamin Franklin

“There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.” – Benjamin Franklin

You know yourself better than any other human.

Sounds simple, right? Why is it then that I find this so hard to remember? I look to others to tell me what I do well, how I look (or how I should look), and who I should become.¬†When I need approval, I don’t even try to rely on myself. Instead, a friend or family member is sure to boost my self-esteem.

Or at least, that is how it has worked most of my life. A time arrives, however, when people around you belittle instead of charm, critique instead of comfort, and ignore instead of notice. Suddenly, you are forced to look at yourself in the mirror in confusion, wondering who you are without the words of others. Or perhaps, wondering if the bitter, nastier labels they stuck on you are the reality of your character.

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Coming Back Stronger than Before

Cinderella

Disneybounding as Cinderella

I am not even sure how to start this exactly. The wait between these posts (both for you reading and me writing) has been far too long.

Life has been a bit hectic and full of changes lately. Since my last post in June (forever ago, I know), I have been offered a new job which I will be leaving the country for in a few months. After years of dreaming and doubting myself, I am going to be teaching English in China. Better yet, the Disney company will still be my employer.

The joy of taking this new step in life comes hand-in-hand with the fear of change. Am I really moving to a country across the world that I have never been to before? How will I learn Mandarin that quickly? How will I survive without my family and friends? How will I ever be confident enough to teach?

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Judging a Job as Fulfilling or Not

Sorcerer Mickey

I love working for this guy!

A few days ago, someone watched me for a few moments greeting people at my job. “Wow, you sure have a fulfilling job,” he¬†intoned sarcastically. “Telling people to go this way and then that way.”

Surprised and rather annoyed, I looked him right in the eye. “I actually love my job.”

“Sure, for now.” He laughed. Heat rushed to my face as I struggled not to cry. It”s not a big deal, I tried to think. But his words still stung.

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Exhausted but Loving Life

Captain Hook twirling me

Captain Hook is such a gentleman.

Sorry for not posting in such a long time! Was it really over a week? Oh my.

Anyway, my new work has been very tiring but wonderful! I love staying busy and seeing the smiles on guests’ faces. My fellow cast members are the best as is the location itself.

If anyone had told me that I would be this happy or this tired, I don’t think that I would believe them. There is so much to learn and take in, but I am slowly figuring out how to manage.

Here’s to a great today and even better tomorrow.

You Remember Me?

Pluto and Santa Goofy

Pluto and Santa Goofy

“Did you take this class recently? Because I remember you saying you were looking forward to bringing your family to Walt Disney World for the first time.”

“You’re back? I so excited to see you!”

“You are going to work there, right? I have been following your journey on Facebook.”

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New Job, Here I Come

I am thrilled to announce that I am back at Disney World again! After about a month and a half, my home away from home is coming back into my life.

Working there will be challenging, I know. However, I am thrilled for this opportunity.

Just today, I passed my training. Now, there is a just a bit more training to finish up and pass. Wish me luck and send me prayers please! I am excited to start this new journey and adventure.

Coping Skills: #86. Count Your Blessings

Morgan's gifts

The wonderful package that my friend Morgan sent me was the highlight of my week.

Waiting to get a job at Disney again and then waiting for it to start these past two months has been hard. However, even in the hard times, remembering the beautiful elements of life is important.

Just this week, I endured many struggles with my anxiety, eating disorder thoughts, and depression. However, even more blessings followed me. I need to remember to look at those good things and notice them just as much (or, hopefully, even more) than the negative parts of life.

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“She’s Fragile”

Princess Aurora

What does it mean to be fragile?

Yesterday at work, I asked to run food to cashiers instead of being on a cash register. My anxiety about doing something wrong (especially since no one wanted to train me and so spent little time with me) has been surging. I cannot wait to be at Disney again.

Someone asked if I could do register. Freezing with fear, I just stared at a coworker. “She’s running for us,” my coworker loyally stated.

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