I Am So Much More

In a Rapunzel frame at Shanghai Disneyland

I was able to go to Shanghai Disneyland which was wonderful.

Knowing limits is good. I need to remember that I do not have the superpower of speed to get ready for the day in five minutes. Nor can anyone read minds. We cannot fly, breathe under water, live without food or water, etc.  Limits can be helpful.

However, they can also be a hinder. So many times, I have let limits on myself – whether inflicted by me or others – that have hurt me. There were things that I was and wasn’t, limits set and dreams shattered.

This past year has shown me that I am more than my limitations. I need to stop living bound to my past or my struggles.

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10 Reminders that I am Not Worthless

Cinderella

She sure felt worthless at times, but Cinderella did not give up hope.

Being away from family, the company I want to work for, and the normalcy of Minnesota has been hard. Throw in getting a job that was not what I expected when I applied and waiting to hear back from other companies, and you will find me feeling pretty worthless.

On so many levels, I feel frustrated and broken. This stage of life is just so hard even without mental illness making it more difficult.

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You’re Done With Me, So Now What?

I feel so abandoned right now. Despite the numerous people around me and friends who affirm me, my spirit still sinks as if an anchor was dragging downward. The lonely hole inside that has been present since childhood remains despite my attempts to fill it in with others.

One person. Sometimes that is all it can take to make you feel like a wonderful person worthy of life or a stupid toy masquerading as something special.

This video is how I feel sometimes and what I wish that I could to say to people.

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The Avalanche of Letters that Covered My Loneliness

Love

The fact that I can plant a seed and it becomes a flower, share a bit of knowledge and it becomes another’s, smile at someone and receive a smile in return, are to me continual spiritual exercises. – Leo Buscaglia

These past few weeks, I wanted to show others extravagant love. Partly in an attempt to forget my deep depression and heartbreak, my mission on campus became to touch as many people as possible with kindness. One of the main ways that I chose to do this was by writing anonymous notes. Post-Its with quotes were slipped into backups, candies with uplifting messages were left in random mailboxes, and letters were written to numerous others.

However, I ended up only feeling drained. No matter how much I attempted love others, the sorrow inside ate away at me. Life seemed unbearable, making me want to end everything. Somehow (perhaps because I was too depressed to do anything), self-harm and major restriction did not begin again despite the strong urges. However, I knew that I could stay strong in my recovery for only so long. After such an amazing fall semester, my life was falling apart. Going back to the university, being an inspiration to others, and simply living any longer seemed pointless and impossible to handle any longer.

After putting out so much love to others, I felt empty and forgotten. We should not care for others just to receive something in return. At the same time, people cannot function simply giving of themselves and never receiving anything in return. Worthless and unlovable, disgusting and pathetic – that is what I must be based on what others thought of me. Or so I thought.

Then something amazing changed last week. Suddenly an amazing switch has taken place, and peace has filled me. Recovery, life, and friendship are possible.

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Humbling Myself to be Served

Humbling Myself to be Served

Humility can be felt in many different ways. It is painful but important.

Sorry that this post is later than usual.  This morning, I went out on errands and a date with my mother.  During our time together, I had the opportunity to be humbled.  Although it was uncomfortable, I took this chance and was greatly blessed.

When I think about being humbled, I usually assume that I have embarrassed myself somehow or made a mistake.  Many people think about this emotion with dread.  After all, no one wants to look like a fool or mess up.  I know that I have gone out of my way before so as not to be humiliated in front of others.  People tell lies, spend money, even commit crimes to make sure that their pride stays in tact.

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